Sunday, January 12, 2020

Something Being Born - My Anxiety

This was a writing prompt I came across.  It was simple - talk about something being born.  Okay, cool.  Where does your mind go?  You being born?  Yeah, obvi.  What else?  Your children?  Also great but obvi.  Okay, what else?  Well, for me, my mind goes to...  Wait for it - ANXIETY!  In all fairness, I want to say that happened with the cancer diagnosis, but I don't think that is true.  I think it happened long before.  I draw blanks as to exactly when it really started, but I've always had it.  

I've been accused of always needing something to worry about.  In this case, the accused is guilty.  It is true, I always need to worry.  Why?  I really have no idea.  Sometimes for self torture, I think:  Why should I get to feel settled, happy, or free?  What if I let loose and the other shoe drops?  Thank you so much cancer for bringing those thoughts to the top of my brain.  I hate not being prepared.  The worry allows me to stay in control, or so I think.  I wasn't prepared for the cancer diagnosis I received.  I assumed I was superhuman and cancer couldn't happen.  So, I never worried about it and BOOM - a cancer diagnosis.  So in my mind, if I worry about stuff, like every day stuff, random stuff scary stuff, and well, stupid stuff, than it either won't happen or I'll be prepared.  That's my anxiety logic.  It's really not working.  I think that by doing this, I am in control.  But...

Maybe it's controlling me instead?  How to stop?  For that answer, I'll still have to wait.  I simply don't know.  

Friday, January 3, 2020

The 10 Step Cancer Program

Alright, so it's been a while since I wrote my last blog post for Dragonfly Angel a year, no biggie.  2019 was a good one.  I enjoyed it.  For the first time since my diagnosis...wait for it - almost 10 years ago, 2019 was the first year I actually felt career oriented again.  Cancer will do that to you.  It takes away the focus of where you thought you were going with your life and puts you on a new path basically blindfolded.  It's a barrel of laughs, I tell you, with nothing more than a huge barrel of sarcasm right next to the laughs.
2019 brought my career back to life if you will.  Let me preface by saying I always worked hard.  I always went about my job tasks with a 150% effort.  However, after cancer, it was hard to get my heart back into it.  Career was my #1 focus the first 10 years of my pre-cancer, post-college life.  Then that creepy C word invited itself into my life, my world crashed and the focus changed.  I see where my life went after that as a 10 step cancer program, one in which I never wanted to join but had no choice but to start.
STEP 1 - Cancer diagnosis
STEP 2 - Start going through treatment
STEP 3 - Finish treatment
STEP 4 - Survive cancer (this is also an ongoing step)
STEP 5 - Go back to my life EXACTLY as it was before cancer
STEP 6 - Realize that girl before cancer no longer exists
STEP 7 - Crash and burn....hard.
STEP 8 - Stay in crash and burn phase for a long time
STEP 9 - Get professional help.  Hello therapy!!  Oh how I heart you.
STEP 10 - Thrive in the post cancer world.
I am proud to say that I think I am close to finishing that 10 step cancer program and it only took me about 10 years to complete.  I'm a slow 10-stepper, what can I say?  (Insert laughing emoji here).  And it took my about 10 years to realize I was on the longest 10 step program, like ever.  Well, in any case, I am lingering between STEP 9 and STEP 10.  I think I will be here for a while and I am cool with it.
This year, my word and my focus is all about REJUVENATION.  I feel like 2019 I got my career back on track.  2020 is all about REJUVENATION.  July 13, 2020 will be my 10 year cancerversary.  I am not going to sugarcoat it - I didn't think I'd be alive today.  So, I am celebrating this year.  I am also terrified.  I don't like to make any big sudden movements around cancer as I am afraid if I am too loud or vocal it will come find me again.  I spend most of my time tiptoeing around it to be honest.  This year, though, is 2020.  Think of all the play on words:
(well, I can only think of those two, but still - good ones, right?)
That's how I am attacking my 10 year cancerversary.  I plan to look back on everything I learned in the last 10 years and I look forward to seeing where 2020 (and hopefully beyond) takes me too.  Join me as I reflect and visualize the future.  I'll also take you through my 10 step program and how I made it through, I mean, still making it through.  WELCOME 2020!!

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