Sunday, January 12, 2020

Something Being Born - My Anxiety

This was a writing prompt I came across.  It was simple - talk about something being born.  Okay, cool.  Where does your mind go?  You being born?  Yeah, obvi.  What else?  Your children?  Also great but obvi.  Okay, what else?  Well, for me, my mind goes to...  Wait for it - ANXIETY!  In all fairness, I want to say that happened with the cancer diagnosis, but I don't think that is true.  I think it happened long before.  I draw blanks as to exactly when it really started, but I've always had it.  

I've been accused of always needing something to worry about.  In this case, the accused is guilty.  It is true, I always need to worry.  Why?  I really have no idea.  Sometimes for self torture, I think:  Why should I get to feel settled, happy, or free?  What if I let loose and the other shoe drops?  Thank you so much cancer for bringing those thoughts to the top of my brain.  I hate not being prepared.  The worry allows me to stay in control, or so I think.  I wasn't prepared for the cancer diagnosis I received.  I assumed I was superhuman and cancer couldn't happen.  So, I never worried about it and BOOM - a cancer diagnosis.  So in my mind, if I worry about stuff, like every day stuff, random stuff scary stuff, and well, stupid stuff, than it either won't happen or I'll be prepared.  That's my anxiety logic.  It's really not working.  I think that by doing this, I am in control.  But...

Maybe it's controlling me instead?  How to stop?  For that answer, I'll still have to wait.  I simply don't know.  

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