Sunday, January 27, 2019

The Battle Scars

How do you see your scars?  Are they battle wounds?  Little or big annoying reminders you have to see every day?  Painful memories?  Strength indicators?  I think it is far to say we all see our scars differently or maybe the same at times too.  I have scars everywhere, thank you very much cancer.  I see them every time I change clothes, look in the mirror, shower, etc.  I see them from my memory when I close my eyes or have no access to a mirror.  The mastectomy wounds and the lump removal left physical scars on my chest and along the place where my breasts once were.  Constant fears, memories of the darkest time of my life, fears that swirl in my mind as if there is a constant gust of wind make up the emotional scars that I refuse to part with although not for a lack of trying.

I found this quote and that's how I got to thinking about my scars and how i should look at them.  I am not sure I was ever ashamed of them.  Everyone knows I have had cancer so I don't hide it.  I am really not embarrassed by them either.  I sometimes just can't get passed WHY I have them.  That's the part that always gets me.  Why did I get cancer?  Why did it find me?  Why, why, why?  I love the sound of crickets when I look for the answer - there isn't one.  So, I keep circling the past with my scars in the driver's seat directing my how I should think about them and what they mean.  This quote got me thinking that I need to slam on the breaks and take control of my journey.  I can utilize the scars as reminders of the past or I can take their memory and have them direct me toward the future or even just as a reminder to be present today.

So, to answer my question about about how you see scars?  I know how I have seen them and I now I know how I plan to see them.  They are my strength.  They are my guide to be more present.  They are my memories that allow me to visit the path if needed.  And most importantly, they are my lock and key to keep the past the past and force me to look at the present instead.

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